toppoiyatsu

You take a look at yourself in the mirror every morning... With that
empty stare you use on strangers you look yourself in the eye. Half
asleep, you blink and notice that another long day is ahead of you. You
don't have enough strength yet to turn the faucet, so you continue to
stare. You watch as your face seems to slide down your head, you blink
again to see that your eyes are playing tricks on you. You finally
muster up the strength to turn the faucet on... You let the water run
just so it's perfect, not to hot, not to cold... Just right. You run
your hands in the water, you cup them together and lift the warm water
to your face. You gently moisten up your face so that you can apply
soap. Again you look back into the mirror, and then down to the soap.
You press the top part of the dispencer just right to get enough soap
to scrub your face with. You look at your hands before you apply the
soap to your face, you then rub your hands together to make a fine
lather. You rub your hands on your wet face... gently kneeding away
washing the night before off your skin. Looking back into the mirror to
see if you missed a spot, you notice something funny on the mirror...
you try to rub it off with your finger, but it won't be removed. You
look down to your finger to see if any had rubbed off, but you see that
your finger is bleeding. Quickly you open the medicine cabinette behind
you and pull out a Spongebob Squarepants Band-aid and wrap it securely
around your finger. You turn around again, this time you are determined
to remove that mark. The look in your eye says it all. You look
straight at the blemish, coldly you go to pop it and find that the blemish isn't there.
You think,'is my mind playing tricks on me?'
Sighing at yourself, you return to washing your face. Blankly staring agian into your own eyes.
You watch as the mirror itself starts to turn into water, and drip into the sink below.
As you go to touch the mirror, you notice shards of glass swimming in the pool of warm water.
Looking up again, you notice your hand is now bleeding again, and you ask,
'What have I done?'
Blinking again, nothing... still bleeding, still more glass in the sink.
Turning around to find something to stop the bleeding, you haven't even asked yourself why you
shattered the mirror...
Trying to think aloud, you go to speak and not a sound comes out....
Speechless, you try to find something to show you, your reflection.
You start to panic and slip, hitting your head, knocking you out cold.
The single thought of "will I wake" enters your head, and you spring up, out of bed...
You sigh a huge sigh of relief, and look down at your hands again...
Your eyes widen and you see your hands bandaged to your wrist.
Again you go to scream, again... nothing.
You think, 'Will this dream ever end......'

Ok, this is what is going on.

My place of work, Casey's General Store, has been with-holding a part of my pay since I started there back in June. For every hour, they owe me $.75, and last night I finally recieved the actual pay I was supposed to start at, which is $6.75 an hour. This still means they are off by a quarter an hour, plus the $.75 they owe me from before. It's come to the point to where I'm sick and tired of waiting for something that is rightfully owed to me. I've even talked with the Reginal Manager and she said she would "try to do her best" to get my money to me. Every employee starting at Casey's starts at $6.75 an hour, every one of them, in every store that Casey's own. Then why was my pay starting at $6.00 and no one noticed... which is partly my fault for putting trust into my employer (which they have so gracefully lost). Plus they owe me for my quarter raise, so after three months of working there I should have been making $7.00 but was making $6.25. I'm going to file with the ALCU and with an attorney, I'm going to court in the worst way possible, and I'm not happy about it. *sigh* I just want to be compensated for my money and now with interest. Let's just hope the little guy wins, cause I'm not going down without a fight. Well, time to go and get a copy of my application, so that there is no evidence that I leave out. I wish it hadn't come to this, but it has... and it's not going to be a merry Christmas for myself even after this. *sighs* Oh well... Night.

Greg

Wow..
It's been almost a year since Cindy and I officially got together. This Thanksgiving will be the one year anniversary of our relationship together. Through all the bull shit, she has stuck by my side, stronger now than ever. I can't believe it. In the past year more has happened between us, making it feel like we've been together much longer than we have been. I'm just in shock that she is still wanting and needing me more and more, like how I feel for her. It almost pains me when I don't get to see her. Even if she is tired, awake, it doesn't matter.

I can't recap the whole year in this, there was too much. I just can feel more of her than I ever did.

( Read more... )

What can I say, WHITE SOX WIN! *sigh* I sound like all those bandwagoner's by saying that, but sh*t I've waited 22 long ass years, the ball club has been waiting 88 longer ass years, and it's here. Though I'm not a Cubs fan, I hope they can make it all the way next year... This must be the century to end curses.

Enough about baseball. It's Oct 27th, a full month has past since my last update, and I know there has been a lot on my mind. One thing in particular... It's been 5 years 363 days since Dominick was killed, and for as long as its been, it still gets to me. Maybe it would have been better if Dom was around to share the joy and excitement of the Sox bringing home the World Championship, but who am I to say anything about that.

Things at home are rocky.. well, I've made them rocky. I haven't been myself for the past 3 or 4 months, and can't really be myself until I'm out of this house. Both Cindy and I are saving up for a condo or something to move into... but the prices up here are crazy. The best offer we have found is a condo on US30 for 62,000. That's not tooo bad for up here, but still, that is like 600 a month. Maybe if Lauren is still interested, and the three of us can work it out so it's only like 200 a month for each of us. I already know I have that. So, moving out might be sooner than expected, and maybe I can get going on my dreams of getting my resturaunt going and work towards the goals Cindy and I have set out for ourselves. I just miss sleeping next to the beautiful one... in our bed, on our time. I really miss that, I can't stand the fact that she is so close and yet I can't be with her how we want to be together. More and more my mind and body are just going miles per minute, and I can't put it all down, and here I am, 30 mins before I have to go to work, spewing forth my brain-farts, letting the world comment (yet no one does) on how my life should be run. *sigh* I guess I want things a certain way, and am very ready to be out of this house, not under my mother's rule... Oey would that be the life.

On a completely unrelated note, Makai Kingdom is fucking hard. This has to be the best strat RPG I've played in forever. It's difficult, I'm actually thinking things out, the battles can last an hour if I'm not careful, and best of all, I have no idea what I'm doing in the game. :-D

Finally I'll finish with this:

Good job to the Chicago White Sox on bringing home the World Championship to Chicago! Finally we have some say so as fans not being ousted by the "popular" chicago team. Fans of the White Sox, wave your banners proudly and lets make some noise for our 2005 WORLD CHAMPIONS! GO GO WHITE SOX!

I've come to realize that I've grown far from anyone that I've known in the past 4 years. Being at home, that happens. Yet I ask myself if I had graduated, would I be in this situation right now? Living at home, work is going, my Beautiful one, and I come to the conclusion of I don't know. It feels like my journal entries have been reduced to nothing more than a comment about something here, or that there, nothing that has truly changed my life in any shape or form. Must mean I'm stagnant. Unmoving, within bounds which aren't set by myself, just to the point of not really giving two flying... well you get the picture. I'm not the type of become complacent about where I am, especially when living at home like now. My goal structure has changed, a lot. First goal, move out on my own terms, and in with Cindy. Second goal, find a place of work that won't drive me to screaming at ice bags (it's a long story). Third goal, finally sleep, not quantity sleep, quality sleep. I find myself up longer and longer, filling my day with drone activities, work, and the occasional school/class. Nothing new, nothing mind blowing, nothing to spark me into going, 'wow, I need to do something.' Just the everyday dread of waking up alone again, figuring out how much time I have before work to spend on 'something productive', and going to class. This is the best part, my social life... which I know I haven't done my part for those who read.... which has become, "Get the hell out of the house, just not at work" time. I'm not doing what I really want to do, I can't really think about what I want to think about, because my opinion is wasted air according to some, I can't even bash like I use to... and I'm a pro. Well that's enough of my 'bitchings' for today, but I do thank whatever being made me that I've found one pure moment of happiness, and that is my Beautiful one...
The End.

Today is a day to remember... ( Serious Pictures/comments... )

I've made this entry public, not because I'm going to go on some random rampage, nor am I going to hurt anyone with it. Well, unless you count myself... I know that only a few read this, and even less than that care. But these are my thoughts, my ramblings, my *sighs*... As much as I like journaling, I've hidden way to long as to who I am. I lack confidence, I'm constantly paranoid that someone will take everything away from me, and I know exactly who it is. Me. I hide myself, I keep everything about me away from almost everyone. Only because I don't want to hurt, yet without the support of others, how can you help yourself when everyone you know doesn't know. Hell, I bought an extra pack of cigarettes to write this, and it's time to be clear. All of you know about my past, how much pain and being lost I've been. I haven't fully healed, and as much as I like to feel strong, I'm not. So, that would mean I'm still lost, still in pain, and most of all scared. I'm not asking for pity, I just need to get this out. I know I have a good base of friends.... but they don't know me as well as I know them. Everyone sees exactly what I let them see, which isn't much. There are many times I wonder how my life would have turned, and wondered about how much I could let everyone know.
It's mostly my fault that I haven't been the best of friend to anyone, even when they were behind me 100%. The one thing that I've needed in my life, I have. Someone who loves me for who I am, and everyday I'm scared shitless of loosing her. I should know better, I should feel differently, it's all the things and emotions I should be feeling... and I can't. I love her with everything that I am... she reassures me every chance we are together that nothing is going to bad... I believe her... and yet I still feel this way. I know she is the one, all the hell I've put her through, she is still here for me. Maybe I should put my head on again, and see what happens. "I am the fool on the hill" all I do is watch never experience, even when I'm in knee deep in the situation.
I need to do something, anything to be able to not feel this anymore. I'm open to suggestions.... I just need to think more and find out more about myself, and explore my inner depths, and really experience each moment I have. Especially with my Cindy. I hope someone can make ammends to this mess of a journal entry for me... *sighs*

( Don't read this... )

I have so many things on my mind right now. The number one thing being Cindy, which by far is the most important item on my list… There are so many reasons that she comes first over everything else, so many so that I can’t name them here. Yet that isn’t the reason why I’m writing tonight. After all this working and being alive and doing more than I’ve ever done in my life to get ahead, for once I want a break. Though I don’t have much to complain about with my two jobs nor school nor my family nor my love life, I feel like something else is demanding my attention at all times and I can’t figure out what it is. (No, it’s not Cindy, she doesn’t demand my attention she gets my attention).

Every day I feel like I haven’t told her I loved her enough, or like I’m not doing enough in our relationship. Yes I know it’s the distance, and it hurts (but if it means being with you then I’ll take the pain (Yes love I quoted you/ Hitch)). I can’t wait to be down in Indianapolis with her again, and just hold her and be there with her.

Again I redirected my post to my love… well she is always on my mind, and I only write my thoughts on here. Even as crude or stupid they might be. Now that I’m up in Chicago for what will seem like forever, the more I look back and really analyze everything going on. I’m rethinking who my friends will be in the near future. Not just live journal friends, but real life friends. * Sighs * Some of you don’t know me anymore, and like wise. I’m not about to run around and kiss Asses to everyone, but I will do this… I hate rating friends, but I have to do this to get it out.

Jeff, I only start with you because your actions are shouting the clearest in my mind. One, never wish a cop death… EVER! They are our last line of protection, regardless of what they call you. I could careless about your rage or whatever, and if you think you had nothing to do with this attack, then explain the reason why you IGNORED company while you chatted on the phone with Sarah and Lidia (SP?)? I’m not running on your time anymore, nor will I take the “I’m so innocent” bull shit anymore. And one other thing, if you feel as though Lidia is too grown up for you, then you don’t deserve her.

Greg T. I know you take things as a joke, when in all honesty it shouldn’t. Why is it that when you do something stupid, you make it worse? Your antics are tiresome and old. Grow up, move out of your parents place, and stay the fuck out of my home.

Alex. You’ve been civil with me, which is more than I can ask for.

Cat. I’m glad I’m talking with you again; I do miss your friendship.

Nat. I’m not that pissed at you right now.

Kelly. This might seem odd… but I want to say I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve put you through. I know there aren’t any true restarts, that and I’m going out on a limb that you still don’t like me. I guess this is the first step towards maybe a less awkwardness between us. I’m not asking for total forgiveness, just something so we can be in the same room together and get along.

John. Not much to say except, keep being good to Kelly (though I know you are everything she asks for).

William. I haven’t talked with you in forever, and much of that isn’t due to the fact that I’m ignoring you, more so to the fact I’m in Chicago. Give me a call sometime, we should get together and chat.

Megan. You don’t exist anymore!!!

Cindy… we have a lot left to go through. So far we’ve conquered only half the world, and that’s with love alone. I know a lot more has been hitting than ever, and will hit for a while, but when we get through this… we have nothing but smoother skies ahead… (I hope). I love you, and I can’t wait to be in your arms again soon.

For those I left out (A.K.A Brandi, and who ever else reads this) No problems on your front, just haven’t talked with you in a while.

I hate doing that. I really, really do. But if I don’t get my point across, then I will let it go until I blow up. So now the world knows I’m pissed off at Jeff, go figure, it’s not like he wasn’t going to get an earful when I was coming down to see Cindy anyway. Let’s just say this isn’t a new Greg, just a more honest Greg. I’m not hiding the fact that I’m going to marry Cindy away from anyone, nor am I going to keep back feelings of rage towards a person when they FULLY deserve it. No more high school bull shit, I’m being forward, and if you want I’m leaving the comments on this anon. so anyone can bitch me out. Can’t wait to hear from you.

Lots of love,
Greg